How to Make Vulva Owners Say Yes to First-Time Anal

Curious about the backdoor? Turns out, there are pretty damn good reasons why you should try it!

Let’s get real here: Anal sex might not be on everyone's list of things that they wanna try, but more and more vulva owners are trying to give it a shot, and some are loving it!

If it’s a first-time anal sex for you, whether it’s curiosity or with a partner, or you just want to get that blended orgasm, we’ll break down the real motivations behind that “first time yes.”

And if you’re ready to explore how to have anal sex for the first time, we've got tips you can explore, too. No judgement. Just honest talks about what makes anal sex so appealing for first-timers.

What is Anal Sex?

Anal sex happens when you or your partner puts something inside your butt, whether it’s a penis, toy, or finger, simple as that.

But do vulva owners like anal sex? Well, everyone responds differently to anything, and you’ll never know unless you try it yourselves, right?

And there’s nothing wrong with it as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult, and like with any new sexual thing, you guys should talk about it first before anything.

If it’s a first-time anal activity for your partner with a vulva, it might take them some time to decide, or it may take some effort to convince them, so we prepared a few tricks for you.

In this Reddit post, convincing a vulva owner to have anal sex not only involves consent, but also hygiene and extra care, because backdoors don’t work as vaginas do.

Sure, it can feel intimidating at first, but with some patience and care, you can have a good time, no matter what your gender is or who you are into.

Related: Anal Orgasms Explained: A Safe and Simple Guide for Newbies

Let’s Get Your Partner Excited About Their First-Time Anal Sex (Without Being a Total Creep)

So, you wanna try having anal sex with your partner, huh? Cool. But here’s the thing: convincing them to let you in their back door isn’t about begging, manipulating, or even pulling the “Oops! Wrong hole!” move.

Everything is about trust and communication, so you’ll make sure that they actually want it, too, and here’s how you can bring it up without making things weird.

Talk About It Like a Grown Up

First, start a calm, real conversation, and don’t spring it on them mid-hookup, so try to say something like, “Hey, I’ve been curious about trying anal, what do you think?”

You can state how you feel about it first, so it doesn’t sound like a demand, and let them know you respect them either way.

Also, give a vibe that you just want to explore it, as long as they’re okay with it, and they’re into it, too.

In fact, communication plays such a huge role in intimacy; it makes it more fulfilling, satisfying, and forges a much stronger bond, according to Holmen's Health.

Listen Closely to What They Feel

If your partner appears a bit nervous or says no when asking them for the first time, please don’t get pissy, and instead, ask them why they feel that way.

Are they worried it’s dirty, or do they think it’ll hurt?

Or maybe they think that anal sex is only for porn stars, so listen without getting defensive, and the more you understand their hang-ups, the easier it’ll be to address them.

You can also try to validate their feelings and let them know that you kinda get why they feel that way. 

And if you’re still introducing anal play to them, then you might wanna show them some pictures of cute anal toys that don’t look intimidating, like these Strawberry-Shaped and Azul buttplugs that might even get them curious.

Set Clear Boundaries

Try to be upfront when bringing this topic up, and list all the things that you’re both okay with and not. Maybe your partner’s cool with a finger but not your dick yet, or they want to use a tiny and gentle toy first, like this Ohtop Gaetano.

Whatever their answer is, respect it, and no means no, but “not yet” means wait, so have a chat before the deed to keep you both chill.

Start Slow as Heck

Once having their enthusiastic yes, please don’t just ram it in, and begin by stimulating them externally, like massaging the rim, brushing it using your finger with lube, then use a beaded butt plug like Vireo Rose.

Let your partner get used to the sensation first, and tell them to always give you a nod on how they feel about it.

You can also choose to give them a vaginal or clitoral orgasm first, before playing with their backside, with the help of this Green Naughty Clock or Devil Flower, to get them more relaxed and more open for the next action.

Lube Isn’t Optional Here

The butt doesn’t lubricate. Period.

So, use a lot of good lube so you won’t just do it for the first time, but also more times in the future, because your partner will find anal sex fun and comfortable, and make them way more willing.

Use plenty of it so it doesn’t hurt, and use quality, water-based lubes like this BeYourLover Lubricant to protect them from mild injuries like tearing and chaffing.

Lube can also be used beyond penetration, because it can help protect your skin during oral, dry-humping, handjobs, or even when giving your partner some massages, as per Cosmopolitan.

Related: 5 Best Anal Sex Positions (With Tips for Pleasure, Comfort, and Safety)

Always Pick the Right Moment

Don’t bring this up while you’re both stressed, tired, and in the middle of an argument, so choose a quiet time when you both feel relaxed, maybe after dinner or when you’re just cuddling on the couch.

Speak About the Good Stuff

Anal sex isn’t all about the penis-owning partner, because it can feel amazing for vulva owners as well, especially when combined with clit stimulation.

The anus can be full of nerves, and some vulva owners can have intense orgasms from anal sex, plus, it can be something you can explore together to make you feel closer.

You can frame it as something you’ll both enjoy, and not just a favor that they need to do for you, so you might wanna check this list of clitoral stimulators to give your partner more love and care.

Learn About It Together

Before having anal sex for the first time, you can offer to read articles, watch educational videos, or even talk to a sex therapist with your partner, because this is a team effort, and this way, your partner will feel that you’re not pressuring them, but rather, figuring things out together. 

You Can Try Doing Other Stuff First

Before you both go straight to anal, you can experiment with other new things first, like doing the best different positions for anal sex or roleplay. It builds that trust, and once your partner sees that you’re being open to trying their kinks as well, then they’re likely to be more open to yours.

If you’re both into it, you can also use cute and sexy costumes to help spice up your role-playing game, just like these French Corset Lingerie and Sexy Fishnet Lingerie to pump up the mood.

Constantly Reassure Your Partner

Always tell them that if they find anything uncomfortable, you’re ready to stop, and always try to go at their pace.

Check them out during sex, and ask them if they want you to slow down, to make them feel safe, not pressured.

The aftercare matters too, so cuddle, praise them, and tell them they’re amazing, because this helps build trust for next time.

Offer Your Partner Some Reward

After finishing the deed, don’t just end things like that, because rewards can be very effective to help you score another session with them.

It can be a back massage, an unexpected oral, or even serving them outside the bedroom, like helping them with chores or picking them up outside when necessary, because giving these little incentives won’t hurt, and once they think that anal sex was a positive experience for them, then it may become a regular option in the bedroom.

Bring the Alcohol In

You don’t have to get totally drunk, but as they say, being drunk can help ease the pain, and some people even only go for anal if they’re tipsy.

A few rounds of tequila would be fine, so you won’t regret any stuff later, such as overstepping boundaries.

Go Anal If It’s the Only Option

Some couples prefer doing anal sex if one person is on their period. And anal sex is something they can do if both partners really want to get intimate, and they can conveniently do it in the shower. 

To keep things safe, you can also try using anti-slip mats and waterproof toys to prevent any mishaps in the bathroom, but for an added stimulation, you can also go for a cock ring like this BeYourLover Usagi, to give you both some hands-free pleasure, anally or vaginally. 

Ask Your Partner If They Want to Try Something New

After spending a few years together, it can’t be prevented that things have somehow, can feel a bit stale.

It’s normal to feel that sex has become predictable in long-term relationships, especially if you both feel like you have already explored everything.

FAQs

My partner says anal is painful and isn't open to even trying it. How can I bring this topic up without scaring my partner off?

Then you can start dropping the word “convince” from your vocabulary, because nobody likes to get pressured into sex stuff, and instead, ask what specifically worries them. Is it painful? Embarrassment? Lack of control? Next, you can suggest something smaller, like using fingers with lube, but if they still say no, then it means no.

So, the penis owner I’m hooking up with keeps trying to put it in my back, even if I said no. How do I make them stop?

You don’t make them stop. You leave. If your partner ignores your clear boundary, then that’s not a communication problem, but they’re showing you that their pleasure matters more than your safety. And there are plenty of people out there who understand that consent is non-negotiable.

I don’t have any experience when it comes to anal play, so I feel a bit nervous, and how do I tell this to my partner?

For your sexual history, you don’t really have to explain it to anyone, especially if they like you. Ask them to slow down, and if they react badly or pressure you, then that’s a red flag.

Go Slow, Lube Up, and Have Some Fun

Anal sex, especially if it’s your first, doesn’t have to be a scary thing, and having the right partner and mindset will surely make it an awesome experience, so everyone involved should put effort into how things should be approached, and remember, nobody owes you their back door, and things should start and end with consent. 

But if you’re ready to make your first time anal play more unforgettable, you can head over to BeYourLover and check out our beginner-friendly anal toys, because we got your back (like, literally).

To ace your first-time anal play, you can also check how to have dirty sex, DDLG 101, best positions to hit the G-spot, fingering tips to help your partner reach an orgasm, and everything you need to know about blindfold sex.

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